The traditional male stereotype in several cultures includes ideas that men are expected to be assertive, ambitious, independent, self-reliant, in control, strong, and successful earners who have stable jobs and high-income security. These socialized ideals of masculinity motivate men to strive and live up to societal expectations to be strong (vs. weak), self-sufficient (vs. needing help), action-oriented (vs. emotional) and in control of their life (vs. lacking influence on their own life). This can reduce their capacity to acknowledge and recognize their own sadness and articulate those feelings to themselves (1).

The state of a man's mental health can have severe consequences in all areas of his life including home life, work life and overall personal life. It impacts variables such as motivation, concentration, confidence and self-worth. It can appear to seep in gradually or present overwhelming at times. A man's ability to shift focus toward strengthening his mental health will enable opportunities for success and overall well-being.

If you want to successfully navigate the emotional toll and be mentally strong, here are some tips:

1. Acknowledge and Normalize Emotions:
Men can feel the societal pressure to always appear strong and unshaken, even during challenging times. It's pushed onto them from childhood, reinforces by family and friends and constantly reminded through our media. We know what it looks like. It's crucial to acknowledge and normalize your feelings of stress and emotional strain whenever it comes. Men can experience difficult feelings without acting them out: no one should have to repress their emotions.

NOTE: Remember, it's okay to experience a range of emotions, and reaching out for support when needed is a sign of strength, not weakness. Emotional intelligence is recognized as a strength because it is a strength. Modeling authenticity, in the moment, will not only support your emotional regulation and become easier with practice, but it will also allow others to be their authentic self around you.

MIMS: Speak it out loud. I’ll say it again. Speak it out loud. It gets easier with use. Practice speaking your feelings in the moment, just for no other purpose than to just describe and identify them. Just because you have a feeling does not mean you have to act on a feeling. An example of this would be, “I feel SO ANGRY right now. My face gets hot and my ears burn, too.” The only goal is to identify the current emotion and acknowledge how it feels and where it is in your body. Practice owning them. Emotions are messengers in your body, they are telling you something and are effective communicators. They are neither good nor bad, they just are emotions. It's what we do with our emotions that allow them to be perceived as good or bad. Emotions will come and go… and while we can’t control our emotions, we can control our behaviors.

2. Set Realistic Expectations

The new year can create immense pressure to meet unrealistic expectations. New Year goals can add yet another layer of expectations and pressure. Avoid falling into the trap of perfectionism. Set realistic expectations for yourself, your family, and your future. You and others are allowed to be human, which means allowing people the opportunity to make mistakes and practice without the additional pressure of perfectionism.

Understand that you are not required to provide a flawless experience and resolve every single problem a friend or family member presents to you. Often people are looking to solely be heard rather than resolved in their communication. Set realistic expectations by asking others, “are you looking for a solution or support?” before your next move. Their response will help guide realistic expectations and improve outcomes.

MIMS: When reality fails to meet our expectations, it's a good time to remember and follow the rule of 10. The rule of 10 is to allow 10 consecutive things to go wrong before "losing it" each day. Traffic backed up causing you late to work? That's one, let it slide. Kid forgot to do their chores and you caught them watching tv instead of picking up their room? That's two, let it slide. You'll still need to complete that late work commute and your child will still need to be redirected back to their messy room, but that can occur without getting dysregulated and you let your emotions slide. The goal is to let your emotions slide along when bad things happen, so that you do not slide into them and add any unnecessary emotional suffering.

3. Prioritize Self-Care:
Amidst the holiday hustle and bustle and then new year, it's essential to prioritize self-care. Take time for activities that nourish your well-being, whether it's going for a walk, engaging in a hobby, or simply taking a moment to breathe and rejuvenate. Remember, taking care of yourself enables you to better support and connect with your loved ones. Chronic stress not only causes an emotional toll, but impacts your entire physical and overall well-being. Studies have convincingly established that stressful experiences alter features of the immune response as well as confer vulnerability to adverse medical outcomes that are either mediated by or resisted by the immune system (2). 

MIMS: Small steps make lasting results. Do you even remember what you use to enjoy doing? What were your childhood passions and hobbies? Choosing one simple attainable action you can complete such as going to the sauna 1x per week or setting a bedtime schedule you can commit yourself to practicing. One small step will make it easier to follow and continue long term. Once you have a routine for a month, you can explore adding another to build upon. This will aide in burnout, emotional fatigue and increase your ability to handle the difficult stressful times.

4. Communicate Your Needs:
Open and honest communication is key to managing stress. Share your needs, concerns, and challenges with your loved ones. Discuss how you can collectively manage expectations and responsibilities to ensure that everyone feels supported and heard. Effective communication fosters understanding and can alleviate unnecessary stress. No one is a mind reader and we all have our own perceptions and cognitive bias's causing our own assumptions of the world. Tell people your needs so they they know them, especially your partner.

MIMS:  Treat it as a business meeting. Once monthly, meet with your partner one on one with an agenda to identify, “what went well (include feelings), what was accomplished, what needs improvement (include stressors) and next month’s tasks and expectations.” This could be set up as a date night "business meeting" or at the kitchen table "board room." This allows you to align collaboratively together while communicating effectively to move forward. Remember, it’s both of you against the problem.

5. Reflect on Meaning and Gratitude:
If you want to make change and be mentally strong, you have to tell your brain what you want. We have to direct it toward happiness, gratitude and find meaning in the day to day. Cultivate gratitude by identifying and appreciating the things you cherish most in your life. This practice can bring about a shift in perspective, helping you focus on the true essence of the holiday season and fostering a sense of contentment. Remember, shifting focus toward the good things does not take away from everything else that is there nor does it make you a less effective leader. You are training your brain to strengthen it's ability to focus on what you want and where you want to go.

MIMS: Journal it. Every night before bed: document your highlight reel of the day. What went well, what is worth remembering, what made you smile or what lifted your spirits. Use this to reflect back on the day, remind yourself of meaningful moments and aide in restful sleep.

The invisible emotional toll that men experience, especially  during the holiday season and into the new year, should not be overlooked. By acknowledging and normalizing your feelings, setting realistic expectations, prioritizing self-care, communicating your needs, and reflecting on meaning and gratitude, you can effectively manage stress during this time and increase mental strength. Remember, seeking support from loved ones and professionals is a sign of strength and can significantly contribute to a healthier and more joyful life.

Remember:

I am a therapist, but not your therapist. This blog post is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or counseling. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional.